It's Not All Sunshine and Rainbows - Some Reflections
Nothing is ever completely good or completely bad, but so far being somewhere so new and interesting, with such welcoming people around, has made it very easy for me to take the bad with the good without really noticing it. But today marks one calendar month for me in India, and today was also my first crappy day.
I think that part of the reason for it feeling crappy was that it got off to quite a good start, and so my optimistic feeling left me vulnerable to disappointment. Manni had told us to swap our Wednesday at the school to Thursday this week, so that we could spend Wednesday in the field and therefore see some different villages and work with different SEDS staff. I was due to call Mark, my UQ liaison tutor, for our first liaison talk today. Heading out to the field meant that would not have been possible, so I called him in the morning (Andhra Pradesh time) to see if he could talk, and he could. We had a good chat about what I've been doing so far and about what I hope to achieve next, and although I was frustrated that people who had kept us waiting to leave for over an hour, were then not prepared to wait an extra 10 minutes for me, I was able to shrug off that frustration.
We arrived at our first village and met with Radha, and began maintenance on the first biogas unit.
The lady of the home's husband had died and so she had returned to her own mother's place for some time, and while she was away children had put rocks into the biogas unit's slurry tank. This is what the maintenance call was about, and Shammy had the unpleasant job of fishing rocks out of slurry water with his bare hands.
Unfortunately, Shammy slid a cover stone off the tank without thinking ahead that the stone would fall in when it was no longer supported by the tank wall at the other side. The fall created a huge splash, soaking Shammy's legs and covering poor Radha in slurry water! Radha wasn't happy but she took it with very good grace, and Shammy just seemed quite amused by the whole thing...
The next task was to re-fit the flexible plastic gas pipe from the biogas unit into the cooking area. I tried to help this time as usually Alex gets to help, but I was totally ignored. I tried to shrug it off like usual - my offers of help are often ignored by a lot of people here, I think partly due to being female and partly due to being a 'guest', as hospitality here is very important to people. As I am keen to do my research work on the biogas project, it felt really important to me to get stuck in though, so after my first failed attempt I found another way to help - removing the kinks from the pipeline where it was feeding through the wall into the cooking area (the pipeline is coiled, but it is pulled from the side instead of being unreeled it, so the twists of the coils stay in it and that is why it gets kinked). This was all going smoothly until Manni noticed that I was doing it, at which point she yelled at me to stop and took over doing it herself. I don't actually know what Manni's reason is for allowing Alex to help with things but not me, but my own lack of confidence means I always feel as though she thinks I'm incompetent at things. I sometimes find this quite difficult to deal with on an emotional level, especially as she often comments positively about Alex. I tried to make light of it a bit, and I talked to Alex about this issue so that he could understand my current mood.
I felt like I had a bit of a positive breakthrough when the lady of the home invited me in and wanted to talk to me about her husband. She showed me a picture of him, and explained in broken English and some gestures that her husband had died in accident due to drink driving. I wanted to talk more, so I asked Radha inside to help to translate. With Radha's help I learned that the husband had been only 32 or 33 years old when he died (people in the villages here don't always know their birth date or their exact age), and I was about to ask my next question when Alex came into the home. Radha's attention turned to Alex, so my ability to talk with the lady of the house disappeared. Alex realised what happened and left so that I could try to continue, but then the SEDS staff called me out as well so that we could all leave. I had no choice but to offer some sympathetic and apologetic expressions and gestures to the lady, and then leave myself - feeling terrible for her lack of opportunity to talk when she had wanted to and for my own helplessness. That moment seemed to be the final straw for my resilience. I found it very difficult to keep my emotions in check as I was feeling miserable, pointless, and hopeless. I was struggling to feel positive about my purpose for being there when I felt as though I was not allowed to participate in anything, despite me being the one with the most interest in the biogas project, and I went from feeling positive to feeling some despair at the prospect of trying to carry out any meaningful research about the project.
I sat in the jeep feeling very unhappy, and wishing that I could just come back to the farm and get some other work done instead of feeling as though I was traipsing around and making no contribution to things, when the jeep went over a bump. I looked back to see what had happened, only to see a poor dog writhing in agony and screaming in pain. It was more than I could stand and I couldn't hold back my tears at the thought of the poor animal suffering.
Luckily we did not have to spend long at the next biogas unit just a very short drive away, as it was humiliating to stand there with tears in my eyes while Manni kept loudly shouting at me "What's wrong with your eyes Debbie? Why are you crying?"
The next drive was longer, and I took the opportunity to gather my thoughts. I felt heartbroken over the injured dog and angry with everyone else for carrying on as though nothing had happened, but I had to accept that I was completely powerless to do anything at all about it. I was also feeling very down about the enormously different way Alex and I are treated. Some of it probably connected to the fact that we are quite different people; Alex is more outgoing and extroverted than I am, and he is quite confident to talk about being very good at things, while I am more reserved and introverted, and have never had the confidence to assume that I'm any good at anything let alone tell someone I am good at it - even when there is evidence on my side. The other element that contributes to this situation is the deeply rooted sexism that is systemic in India, meaning that men are treated with reverence and respect compared to women, who are treated as second class beings.
I imagined what it would be like to try and discuss this issue with anyone here, and realised how it would sound to complain to someone who has to live their whole life with this level of inequality, when I have lived most my life with relatively less sexism and I will be returning home after another couple of months. This helped me to restore my feelings of resilience, and then I was able to think more proactively. I thought of Manil and how she would not have been able to make her accomplishments if she had only complained about unfairness; she must have instead asserted herself. If she was sidelined or ignored, she must have just worked extra hard to make her presence known. I resolved to try and take this approach, to try and be more direct and assertive to make Manni see that I do have a purpose here and that I am capable of contributing.
Luckily, the next staff member we met up with was Ratnamma, I haven't met her many times yet but she is warm and cheerful, and always includes me as well. Then we picked up Bushana, a man I hadn't previously worked with but one who turned out to be very nice and he also really included me. My effort at a positive attitude soon turned into an actual positive attitude thanks to Ratnamma and Bushana.
I think that part of the reason for it feeling crappy was that it got off to quite a good start, and so my optimistic feeling left me vulnerable to disappointment. Manni had told us to swap our Wednesday at the school to Thursday this week, so that we could spend Wednesday in the field and therefore see some different villages and work with different SEDS staff. I was due to call Mark, my UQ liaison tutor, for our first liaison talk today. Heading out to the field meant that would not have been possible, so I called him in the morning (Andhra Pradesh time) to see if he could talk, and he could. We had a good chat about what I've been doing so far and about what I hope to achieve next, and although I was frustrated that people who had kept us waiting to leave for over an hour, were then not prepared to wait an extra 10 minutes for me, I was able to shrug off that frustration.
We arrived at our first village and met with Radha, and began maintenance on the first biogas unit.
The lady of the home's husband had died and so she had returned to her own mother's place for some time, and while she was away children had put rocks into the biogas unit's slurry tank. This is what the maintenance call was about, and Shammy had the unpleasant job of fishing rocks out of slurry water with his bare hands.
Unfortunately, Shammy slid a cover stone off the tank without thinking ahead that the stone would fall in when it was no longer supported by the tank wall at the other side. The fall created a huge splash, soaking Shammy's legs and covering poor Radha in slurry water! Radha wasn't happy but she took it with very good grace, and Shammy just seemed quite amused by the whole thing...
 |
| Shammy being amused :) |
The next task was to re-fit the flexible plastic gas pipe from the biogas unit into the cooking area. I tried to help this time as usually Alex gets to help, but I was totally ignored. I tried to shrug it off like usual - my offers of help are often ignored by a lot of people here, I think partly due to being female and partly due to being a 'guest', as hospitality here is very important to people. As I am keen to do my research work on the biogas project, it felt really important to me to get stuck in though, so after my first failed attempt I found another way to help - removing the kinks from the pipeline where it was feeding through the wall into the cooking area (the pipeline is coiled, but it is pulled from the side instead of being unreeled it, so the twists of the coils stay in it and that is why it gets kinked). This was all going smoothly until Manni noticed that I was doing it, at which point she yelled at me to stop and took over doing it herself. I don't actually know what Manni's reason is for allowing Alex to help with things but not me, but my own lack of confidence means I always feel as though she thinks I'm incompetent at things. I sometimes find this quite difficult to deal with on an emotional level, especially as she often comments positively about Alex. I tried to make light of it a bit, and I talked to Alex about this issue so that he could understand my current mood.
I felt like I had a bit of a positive breakthrough when the lady of the home invited me in and wanted to talk to me about her husband. She showed me a picture of him, and explained in broken English and some gestures that her husband had died in accident due to drink driving. I wanted to talk more, so I asked Radha inside to help to translate. With Radha's help I learned that the husband had been only 32 or 33 years old when he died (people in the villages here don't always know their birth date or their exact age), and I was about to ask my next question when Alex came into the home. Radha's attention turned to Alex, so my ability to talk with the lady of the house disappeared. Alex realised what happened and left so that I could try to continue, but then the SEDS staff called me out as well so that we could all leave. I had no choice but to offer some sympathetic and apologetic expressions and gestures to the lady, and then leave myself - feeling terrible for her lack of opportunity to talk when she had wanted to and for my own helplessness. That moment seemed to be the final straw for my resilience. I found it very difficult to keep my emotions in check as I was feeling miserable, pointless, and hopeless. I was struggling to feel positive about my purpose for being there when I felt as though I was not allowed to participate in anything, despite me being the one with the most interest in the biogas project, and I went from feeling positive to feeling some despair at the prospect of trying to carry out any meaningful research about the project.
I sat in the jeep feeling very unhappy, and wishing that I could just come back to the farm and get some other work done instead of feeling as though I was traipsing around and making no contribution to things, when the jeep went over a bump. I looked back to see what had happened, only to see a poor dog writhing in agony and screaming in pain. It was more than I could stand and I couldn't hold back my tears at the thought of the poor animal suffering.
Luckily we did not have to spend long at the next biogas unit just a very short drive away, as it was humiliating to stand there with tears in my eyes while Manni kept loudly shouting at me "What's wrong with your eyes Debbie? Why are you crying?"
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| At the second biogas unit. There are some very skilled tree climbers around here! |
The next drive was longer, and I took the opportunity to gather my thoughts. I felt heartbroken over the injured dog and angry with everyone else for carrying on as though nothing had happened, but I had to accept that I was completely powerless to do anything at all about it. I was also feeling very down about the enormously different way Alex and I are treated. Some of it probably connected to the fact that we are quite different people; Alex is more outgoing and extroverted than I am, and he is quite confident to talk about being very good at things, while I am more reserved and introverted, and have never had the confidence to assume that I'm any good at anything let alone tell someone I am good at it - even when there is evidence on my side. The other element that contributes to this situation is the deeply rooted sexism that is systemic in India, meaning that men are treated with reverence and respect compared to women, who are treated as second class beings.
I imagined what it would be like to try and discuss this issue with anyone here, and realised how it would sound to complain to someone who has to live their whole life with this level of inequality, when I have lived most my life with relatively less sexism and I will be returning home after another couple of months. This helped me to restore my feelings of resilience, and then I was able to think more proactively. I thought of Manil and how she would not have been able to make her accomplishments if she had only complained about unfairness; she must have instead asserted herself. If she was sidelined or ignored, she must have just worked extra hard to make her presence known. I resolved to try and take this approach, to try and be more direct and assertive to make Manni see that I do have a purpose here and that I am capable of contributing.
Luckily, the next staff member we met up with was Ratnamma, I haven't met her many times yet but she is warm and cheerful, and always includes me as well. Then we picked up Bushana, a man I hadn't previously worked with but one who turned out to be very nice and he also really included me. My effort at a positive attitude soon turned into an actual positive attitude thanks to Ratnamma and Bushana.
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